chapter 28

vs. 1: Aaron, with his sons, from among the Israelites, to serve Me as priests: Aaron, Nadab and Abiha, Eleazar and Ithamar, the sons of Aaron. EQ.

The details of Aaron’s robe are handed down. And it is both an elegant dress and a ridiculous clown suit. And very heavy with all the carved stones with their names and gold and layers. Precious stones. Arm pads. Emblems. Tassels.

Vs. 33: with bells of gold between them all around: EQ.

So not only must Aaron look like a clown, bells ring with every step. Moses does not like Aaron and this will become more evident as we read on.

Vs. 35: that he must die. EQ.

If he isn’t ringing his bells, he will be ordered dead by Lord Asshole Moses. Has your narrator over interpreted. Perhaps. Just let the thought play through your mind that the Lord Moses is one hell of a bastard, inbred prick.

Vs. 41: … anoint them, and ordain them and consecrate them to serve Me as priests. EQ.

The priests must wear their elegant clown suits when they are in the tent of meeting like goats and cows wear bells around their necks. Not by choice.

Vs. 43: … so that they do not incur punishment and die. EQ.

Or, simply said, so that I don’t fuckin’ kill them. My precious obedient clowns. Kings fools. Court jesters.


chapter 29

Moses loved a good barbecue party. He ordered up a young bull and two rams, cakes and wafers with oil for the seven days of ritual to make the horned alter holy before God.

And pomp. There must be pomp with the hocus pocus. The waiters have to be dressed in clown suits.

Vs. 4: Lead Aaron and his sons up to the entrance of the Tent of Meeting, and wash them with water. EQ.

Aaron and the boys were then dressed in their pretty dresses to make them holy and give them the right to be priests. Serve the Lord his meals morning and evening. Forever.

Or until someone jumps up and shots, “You priests are a bunch of lying, killing, lecherous bastards. Whores of the warlords. Shut the fuck up.”

Which happens once in a while. We all know the story of Jesus Christ and his disdain for lawyers and priests.

They are always killed off, called anything, accused of anything, and most often publicly murdered by the state to warn others not to question authority.

Sometimes a new cult of lies is made from such characters. And it becomes a variation on the same foundation of fear and obedience.

But we stray.

Let’s get back to Moses smearing blood on the alter, Aaron and his boys. It’s how to ordain high priests and holy barbeques.

After the bull ritual slaughter, the two rams. The first ram is cut up neatly and burnt. The lord loves the smell of burning animals. In fact, that is why he made animals. With the second slaughtered ram,

Vs. 20: take some of its blood and put in on the ridge of Aaron’s ear and on the ridges of his sons’ right ears, and on the thumbs of their right hands, and on the big toes of their right feet. EQ.

Splash some blood around. Bloody crazy apes.

Vs. 21: Take some of the blood … and sprinkle upon Aaron … also upon his sons. EQ.

Jump up, turn around and spit. Repeat: I am a holy ape. King of the beasts.

Priest eat the best meat. Laymen can’t eat the meat of a priest.

Vs. 33: They may not be eaten by a layman, for they are holy. EQ.

Everyday, they needed more meat to eat. Every day they lived a life of decadence and held their millions of servants down with terror laws.

Like we still do.

After the seven days of bull and two rams rituals, then:

Vs. 38: two yearling lambs each day, regularly. EQ.

And of course, bread and wine.

Vs. 45: I will abide among the Israelites, and I will be their God. EQ.

And the same God of lies and random rituals is being used on the dumbfounded primates that haven’t learned how to use their brains and remain.

Still today.

Fuckin’ dangerously stupid.


chapter 30

Now make me an alter for burning incense. And use as much Egyptian Gold as you can collect from the Israelites. And in this alter you will burn a special incense. Be aware, if any fucker copies the holy mixture, so help him God, I’ll have his nuts.

On a plate.

Vs. 3: Overlay it with pure gold: EQ.

Wash it, the incense alter, with blood occasionally.

Vs. 10: Once a year Aaron shall perform purification upon its horns with blood… It is most holy to the Lord. EQ.

And wash your fuckin’ stinky feet before coming to the holy places.

Vs. 20: when they enter the Tent of Meeting they shall wash with water that they may not die: EQ.

Or, in simple text, I’ll kill you.

The incense is from 5 parts myrrh, 2.5 parts fragrant cinnamon, 2.5 parts aromatic cane, 5 parts cassia and a hin of olive oil.

That can be used to consecrate everything, Aaron and his sons.

Vs. 33: Whoever compounds its like, or puts any of it on a layman, shall be cut off from his kin.

With a sword.

Very sacred mix. Well, I must allow a short outburst to help keep my, your narrator here, sanity.

Lord God Asshole Moses, go fuck yourself, you big lump of festering donkey shit.

Now back to the Bible.

Do everything how I tell you, no matter how absurd, for I am your God.

And will fuckin’ kill you forever.

If you dare to question my authority.


chapters 31 - 33