chapter 31

The sons of Laban figured Jacob for a thief. And Jacob saw that Laban wasn’t too happy either.

He, Jacob, went out in the field to talk to Rachel and Leah.

Vs. 7: your father has cheated me, EQ.

Vs. 9: God has taken away your father’s livestock and given it to me. EQ.

Ah. So God it was.

God told Jacob to go back to the oiled rock where the stairway to heaven had appeared.

Vs. 14: “Have we a share in the inheritance of our father’s house? 15. Surely, he regards us as outsiders, now that he has sold us and has used up our purchase price. 16. Truly, all the wealth that God has taken away from our father belongs to us and to our children. Now then, do just as God has told you.” EQ.
So they jumped on their camels and took all their livestock and all their wealth. And Rachel stole her father’s idols.

They were gone, over the Euphrates, if such a thing is possible, 3 days before anyone noticed.

Then Laban and his crew chased them down.

“What the hell are you up to, you take everything and kidnap my daughters and their children. I could kill you but god said I better not so fair enough but why did you steal my idols.”

No one knew Rachel stole the idols so she hid them on her camel and sat on them and said she was on the rag.

Jacob got indignant about working 20 years when it was often hot and often cold and life was hard.

They finally came to a consensus, oiled a stone and made a meal.

“Okay, it’s all yours with my blessings but you can’t take no more women from nowhere. Just the 4 you got.”

They talked some more ape gibberish then went to sleep in their tents.


chapter 32

Next morning, Laban kissed his sons and daughters and went home to his six goats and 14 sheep.

Jacob feared Esau still wanted to kill him so he sent messengers ahead with a humble message of servitude for ‘My Lord Esau’.

“Tell him I’m really rich.”

Esau was coming with 400 men. Jacob divided up his crew and livestock hoping Esau might not notice and half could escape. Jacob did not know there is no escape from Esau.

He prayed to God and reminded God he could not take over the world if Esau slaughtered him and his women and children.

The next morning he put together his ‘please spare my life’ bribe. 550 animals. Goats, sheep, camels, cattle and asses.

He sent them ahead in the hope of calming Esau’s rage.

That night he fought with himself. Or a stranger with no name. At the end of it, the divine being said.

“No one wants to be called a Jacobite so change your name to Israel.”

Well, Jacob threw out his hip in the all night wrestling match.

So. Well. Obviously the children of Israel don’t eat the thigh muscle that is in the socket of the hip. No more.

Because it makes obvious sense.

For apes learning to be conscious. Idiots.


chapter 33

Esau met Jacob after 20 years. After 5 thousand. Jacob bowed seven times before Esau rushed to fall on his neck and kiss him.

“What’s up. Who are these people.”

“This is my family.”

“What’s with all the gifts you send me.”

“So you forget you wanna kill me.”

“I have enough without your gifts.”

“But you have the face of God.”

“Okay, then I’ll accept your gifts.”

Esau wanted to join Jacob in his pilgrimage back home but Jacob insisted they would be too slow.

“I can assign you some men.”

“No. Don’t bother. You go on ahead.”

Esau took his men and gifts back to Seir. Jacob took a different route and built a house.

Jacob went at last to the city of Shechem in the land of Canaan. Bought a piece of land from the children of Hamor. Made an alter, called it El, God of Israel.


chapters 34 - 36