chapter 28

Isaac then blessed Jacob, told him to marry a cousin or two. Daughters of Laban. Make many babies and nations, my lying deceiving back stabbing son. Just don’t take any Canaanites as wives.

When Esau saw Jacob was getting more blessings and sent to marry cousins and realized Isaac didn’t like Canaanite women for his sons, Esau went to uncle Ishmael and took another wife. Cousin Mahalath.

Vs. 10: Jacob left Bee-sheba, and set out for Haran. EQ.

He picked up a stone, set it down under his head and had his famous stairway to heaven dream.

Vs. 12: Angels of God going up and down on it. EQ.

The Lord told Jacob who he was and that he favored thieving murders so he’d give him everything he promised Ab.

Wow, now ain’t that cool, thought Jacob. If God does what I want, if he gives me a nation, if he kills my enemies for me, I’ll cut him in 10%.

So we must ask, what is that to God. Creator of everything can have 10% of Jacob’s plunder.

This is when we could ask if Jacob is setting up a religious order. The famous prostitutes of war. The holy priests and lawyers.

Gods help us.


chapter 29

He came to the well that Lagan used. And he waited, like Isaac’s servant had, for things to happen. As they often do.

He talked to some men to find out if his uncle was well.

Vs. 6: “Yes, he is, and there is his daughter Rachel, coming with the flock.” EQ.

A shepherdess with the flock of uncle Laban.

Jacob moved in for the kill. He rolled the stone from the well and watered the sheep. He kissed Rachel and told her who he was, broke down and cried in joy. Laban ran out to greet him and kissed him.

Vs. 14: “You are truly my bone and flesh.” EQ.

After a month, Laban asked Jacob to name his price.

Vs. 17: Rachael was shapely and beautiful. EQ.

Vs. 18: “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachael.” 19. Lagan said, “Better that I give her to you than that I should give her to an outsider. Stay with me.” EQ.

So Jacob paid seven years of work for the little girl. Then it was time for the wedding feast.

And Laban gave his dim eyed daughter Leah to Jacob, he fucked her and the next morning he was surprised to see he hadn’t fucked the one he had waited for.

Her maid was Zilpah. She was part of the deal.

Jacob flipped. “I wanna fuck Rachael.”

Laban told him to wait a week and he could have her and her maid Bilhah. And Jacob could work another 7 years.

Vs. 31: The Lord saw that Leah was unloved and he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren. EQ.

Leah had four sons, Reuben, meaning, see a son, hoping Jacob would love her for her work well done. But no. Then Simeon, Levi and Judah. And still Jacob didn’t love her and she stopped making babies.


chapter 30

The Bible can not be taken literally. And it was likely written with that intent. Simply impossible. Why. So that we learn to interpret. To understand impossible and possible.

So that we may learn to understand the words we read.

Even if it takes a few thousand years. What’s a few thousand in a 13.7 billion year young universe.

Nix.

Rachel couldn’t bare not baring children. Sons.

Vs. 1: “Give me children, or I shall die.” EQ.

At the time, women were only possessions of men.

Jacob told her she wasn’t old enough.

“What.”

“Whatever.”

“Well, please fuck my maid.”

Jacob, being a fair man, conceded to fuck Rachel’s maid so she could make sons. Dan and Naphtali.

Well, Leah said, “Fuck my maid too, please.”

Zilpah produced two more sons for Leah. For Jacob. For to be on the way to our holy 12. Gad and Asher. All the names have meanings. If you want them too.

Now comes the story of the mandrakes that Reuben found. Mandrakes are often used by magicians of old for some kind of show. The roots can look a little like a human. But most importantly, they are hallucinogenic. Like magic mushrooms.

Rachel wanted them and told Leah to go fuck Jacob and give her the mandrakes.

So Leah told Jacob he was paid for and God blessed her with her fifth son. Issaher. They fucked some more for the sixth son, Zubulun.

Then she fucked up and had a daughter, Dinah.

Then, finally, God remembered Rachel, opened her womb, and she had Joseph.

The 14 years were up and Jacob wanted to go already.

“Must you go. What must I pay you.”

“Not so much. Just my family and all the sheep and goats with spots and stripes.”

So Laban’s sons took all those kind of sheep and goats and headed for the hills.

Jacob then made the other goats and sheep drink and mate in front of peeled sticks.

This is just an idiot test. If you buy that bit, you truly are an idiot.

That’s vs. 37 onward if you care to check the original Torah of the Tanakh – The Holy Scriptures. Your narrator’s favorite translation by The Jewish Publication Society. A brilliant work. Respect.

Vs. 43: So the man grew exceedingly prosperous, and came to own large flocks, maidservants and menservants, camels and asses. EQ

Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we try to believe.


chapters 31 - 33