chapter 01:

vs. 1: When God began to create heaven and earth – End Quote

Now who the hell is this God fellow and what possessed him to embark on such an endeavor. Blowing a wind through the void over the water in the void. And the first thing he does is turn on the light with his saying, “Let there be light.”

That was cool, so he had light and darkness and called it a day. The first one.

The next day, he separated water from water. The water above he called sky and that rapped up the second day.

The next day, God put the water in one area so he’d have some dry land. That he called earth. The gathering of water, he called seas. He was happy with that and covered it all with plants and tress with fruits that had seeds. He liked that and the third day was done.

God wanted light in the sky and to make set times, days and years. So he made two lights. A bright one for day and a not so bright one for night. And he threw in some stars for the night. He thought that was cool. That was day four.

God got real creative and added vs. 20: swarms of living creatures, and birds … great sea monsters … EQ.

A couple things must be mentioned before we go on. To start, God is likely insane. Us. Our. An eternity of being alone in a void and he whips up a universe in 6 days and vs. 27: He created them … EQ male and female. Be fertile. Rule over everything. Everything is for the man. Male and female.

God was really impressed with himself and the things he did. Especially the man creatures.

Well, we’ll see. Sometimes these all in one starter kits aren’t all they claim to be.


chapter 02

It was done. Heaven and Earth six day all inclusive started kit. God was so pleased with him-themselves, he-they took a day off. Put his feet up.

And already we run into problems.

There is no nothing on the earth, no grass on the fields, God forgot to make it rain. And there was no man to till the soil. So he makes a man out of dust. Blows life in him.

God plants a garden in Eden even though just a few days ago everything was baring fruit.

And catch this, he’s lost it. He plants a tree of life with full intention of forbidding his main characters to eat of it. Is God an asshole as well as raving mad.

There is a river and it goes to four places and waters everything. Havilah is where God buried the gold. Second river is Gihon, water the land of Cush. Third is the Tigris, flowing east of Isslar. And the forth is Euphrates.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden. And he says to the man, “Okay, vs. 15: till it and tend it. EQ

Do whatever you want but do not eat from the tree I stuck there in the middle of the garden. Eat of it and you die.

Now God forgot he already made male and female just the week before, likely because he was an idiot but let’s not get too personal. He spent eternity alone and didn’t want the man to do the same. Vs. 18: I will make a fitting helper for him. EQ

So forgetting he had already covered the land and sky with creatures, he formed a bunch more out of the dirt and had the man give them all names.

But Adam didn’t find one helper.

So God comes up with a new plan. He takes a rib out of Adam and makes a woman. Gave it to the man as a present.

And that’s why a man leaves his parents and finds himself a woman.


chapter 03

For you idiots who think the universe was really whipped up in six days, it weren’t. And the serpent was a symbol in older religions. For wisdom and rebirth. Just to let you know.

Vs. 4: “You are not going to die.” EQ.

Many think this makes the serpent a teller of a lie. It don’t. vs. 5: and you will be like divine beings who know good and bad.” Vs. 6 … the tree was desirable as a source of wisdom. EQ.

Well, hang on. Did you catch that.

The source of wisdom. Come readers. Please pay homage to this grand event. Give the serpent some credit. God the one forgetful reckless tyrannical dictator don’t want us, the creatures he made in his image, to have wisdom. Keep us stupid.

Well fuck that.

Vs. 11: Who told you that you were naked? EQ.

The bloody fashion salesmen, that’s who. The lying murdering merchants, that’s who.

Vs. 13: “The serpent duped me, and I ate.” EQ. Thank fuck. And God can go to hell. Cursing the serpent for wisdom. Cursing the woman for wanting it.

Vs. 22: what if he should stretch out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever!” EQ.

Vs. 23: So the Lord God banished him from the garden of Eden. EQ.

God is an asshole. Or a black hole. And he doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s doing. Days after thinking he was so good and already he’s cursing and punishing the man and woman he made in his own image.


chapters 04 - 06