aaron_the fall of america_chapter_20

Chapter 20

One evening after having had a meal with Karna and her mother, I returned late to my craft where I worked on my computer until I fell asleep. It was a restless sleep of tossing and turning. Karna's mother had followed me into my dreams and I could not rid her.

She appeared as lovely as a bored princess. She was doing what all the other people of the planet seemed to be doing, staring out the window at nothing, waiting for the days to go by. She was likely sitting in the same rocking chair her grandmother had sat in to watch the days go by. I was sitting with her.

"Are you going to steel my little girl away?"

"If she really wants to."

"That means you will."

"I guess so."

"There is no guess. I already knew."

"She told you."

"I don't have to be told when it's day time."

"You are quicker than I."

"I think you are a barbaric animal who finds pleasure in wreaking havoc. You will disrupt all contentment in you path. You have poisoned my only daughter with curiosity. I wanted you forced away but we don't do that. I thought about having you put down like a sick dog but we don't do that. I thought about dismantling your ship so you couldn't steel my daughter but I couldn't do that."

"Can you do anything?"

"I can strip your mind and make you what I want."

"You can?"

"If I can make you believe it."

"Is there something you wanted before you left me?"

"Is there something you wanted when you came uninvited to our planet?"

"I wanted to visit."

"You have no reason."

"I thought I did once, but I don't remember it."

"You are random; you have no purpose. You are clumsy and you leave a trail of disruption."

"Isn't that the way of life?"

"That is your way. Pointless. And you want to steel my daughter and you have nothing to offer her. You have had many mother's daughters before to use and throw away; now you want to use my daughter."

"What?"

"Your madness comes from your unchecked sex drive. You are only an animal."

"It's biological. It's beyond my control."

"I want you to give me another child."

"I don't have one."

"Make me one."

"How?"

The dream became frantic. I thought I could resist her attack but the dream didn't allow me any control. I finally escaped into wakefulness and quickly masturbated to try to ease the pressure. When sleep sucked me back into its grip, Karna's mother still had me in her plans. I was in her house shivering though it was not cold. She was forcing me to stare into her face.

"Stop! Stop this fuckin' experiment right now!" I tried to make my body respond to my commands of appropriate conduct but it only flipped about like a fish out of water. "What in hell do you want with me?" Again I feared I was back in my prison and about to wake from a bad dream. They must have been probing my brain to see how or if it functioned when manipulated with experimental inputs. I refused to let them break me. No mindocide. "Let me go. Stop it, now!"

"Aaron."

Was that my name? Who addressed me?

A hand touched my arm.

"What!"

"What are you doing?"

"I don't remember. Who's asking?"

"Are you all right?"

"What do you mean by all right?"

"I mean, are you all right?"

"I don't know. Where am I? Who are you?"

"I'm Karna's mother."

"I don't believe you."

"Is something wrong?"

"Wrong?"

"What is it?" the woman's face asked.

"What's what? No! Of course not, nothing is wrong. How could anything be wrong. Every goddam thing in the fuckin' universe is perfectly right. Okay! Is that the right response? Is that my line? Do I have a written test as well? Or is that it? Is it over? Did I do it all right? Did I miss something? Do I go now?"

"Aaron."

"What? Why do you keep calling me that? Who are you? What do you want from me? Why do you keep staring at me? Why don't you say something? Anything. Well, fuck you. Fuck you all with your own petty lives. I don't know what you think you are doing with me but it won't work. I won't be your puppet. You're wasting your time. I won't be bought or broken. I know what I am and I won't sell your lie."

"Aaron."

"What! You won't have any insubordination. Either I play your game or I'm dead. Assholes. It that it, Assholes? I wasn't supposed to know that was I? If I refuse, you'll kill me. You teach me fear of death, then use it to manipulate me into your service. You're all fucked. My submission won't change it. It won't be mine. You are all fucked. You sinister assholes are slaves to your own ignorance. I spit on your alter of obedience."

"Aaron."

"What?"

"Are you losing your mind?"

"No."

They liked to use that one. When you start to figure out their demented game, they tell you you're crazy. I had to get away from them. That would help. Would they suspect anything if I was to just get up and walk out the door? I had to try. Any longer in their control and I'd snap.

"You're all right?"

"Yes. I'm a bit tired. I think I better go to my craft to get some sleep."

How would they react to that? Would they force me to stay? Would they push farther? Would I have to sign anything? I had to remain controlled now. Make them think it was a momentary laps of reason, a little breakdown from stress that I won't even remember. They'll accept that. It will be like nothing happened and no one will ever discuss the issue again.

"You can sleep here."

Where was here? Why did they want me to stay? I couldn't stay. I really would go fuckin' mad. Toys in the Attic and bars in the window. No. That wouldn't do. I couldn't let that happen. I had things I had to do. I had to let them know that I knew exactly what I wanted. I'd be definite about a decision and stick to it, at least until I understood what they wanted to do with me. I'd have to try to get behind it when they didn't suspect anything anymore. That's how I'd do it. I'd just be patient and very conservative in my manner.

"No." Complete control. "Thanks anyway. There's a few things I have to check on my computer."

That was a good response. I had to check my computer. Surely they would see the importance in that. They had to let me be alone. I'd pretend to play their game if only they gave me some space to be alone. That had to be an acceptable compromise.

"You can't do it tomorrow?"

It was put in the negative. Either she was baiting me to fight or I was finally given an out. I could see she knew, they knew, exactly what I was thinking. Maybe they didn't care so much what was in my head if I kept it there. They would work on raping my mind as I went along. For now they might be content with complacency and control.

"You are right, I could do it tomorrow but I want to do it tonight while it is still fresh in my mind. That way I can leave the computer computing as I sleep."

The woman's face didn't believe me. They had me too vulnerable now. They could easily slaughter me. They made her beautiful so that it would make it easier to stay than to leave. They had control of my hormones. I would soon forget what I wanted. What it was I wanted?

"Do you want to come back when you are finished?"

I had to answer that carefully. Yes would leave me no freedom. It would be dangerous to try to go through the charade again. What if I was too frightened to return and had to stay hidden in my craft. Would she come and get me. I could lock the door once I was in; it locked out hyper-space. I'd have to explain why I had shut the door after I finally came out. Maybe I wouldn't come out. I'd just go back to Earth and not even say good-bye to Karna. It might be better that way. She didn't belong on Earth and if I saw her again and she asked to come with me, I'd be powerless to refuse her.

If I said no to coming back, I would need a good reason. I needed a way to bend without breaking. I had to give something so they knew they had me.

"I've got to go. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow."

"If you must go."
They gave it to me. I offered the tomorrow bid and she bought it. I would have to leave immediately, before anything negated my opportunity.

It looked like she was going to open her jaws and bite my face off just to bring my hopes of escape to an ironic end but she turned it into a good-bye kiss.

"Bye. Come back whenever you want."

"Bye."

I turned and walked out the door into the dark quiet night. It didn't have the proper comfort. I was being watched but I tried not to let them know I knew. I contemplated me escape. They would be watching for a suicide. I had to make them believe I believed. I had to get them off my back. I couldn't let them beat me.

How was I to get away from them? I'd have to convince them I found a way to get to jump speed faster. They'd have to let me out a year of two sooner.

I shouldn't let them think I've figured everything out. They will see I don't even remember my outburst. I'll figure a way. I'll make them think I thought it was a dream. I'll act perfectly fine in the morning.

I won't be over cautious. I'll play around a little and be foolhardy. Everything will appeal to me. Whatever they supply, I'll take it. Whatever they expect, I'll do it and a bit more.

Although I didn't remember using my feet, I found myself inside my craft closing the door. There was no reason to but I didn't care if they questioned me. I didn't have to worry about hearing them knocking because the craft would not transmit the sound even if it were a bomb. If they questioned me in the morning, I'd come up with an answer that might not make sense to them but I'd make them believe that I believed what I was saying.

I could answer anything. I could be alone with no disturbance before the morning.

I sat in my bed confused, wondering if I was just awakened or had been awake. Why had I just closed the door of my craft? I wondered if it was significant. I decided I must have closed it to keep the night humidity from the computer. That was a satisfactory enough answer for me to go back to sleep and start the day fresh in the morning.



read on. book_01 chapter_21



by Joanne B. Washington

© 2001 | the jose wombat project