anny howard

HOW WE SEE IT

JOYFUL PHILOSOPHY

 

chapter 04

A lump of time has passed through me and left its traces. The Barbaralba Bible has been written and put on the internet. I've yet to make it known but I'm working on it when I can. Today, so far, I can't. I got up to take a hot bath, then I lay on the sofa in my kitchen and slept and slept. Three hours. And in my dreams I met my sister. She, lookout Freud freaks, came into my apartment. I'm never certain who lives there but she shows up often. And I explained why I wasn't working and in the explaining it was impressed upon me that writing is what I am suited for. Or said another way, it's the only thing I'm good in, or I'm addicted. Like everyone is addicted.

But the crazy things is. My sister and I are often having sex. In my dreams. It doesn't bother me. I know one can analyze around it. Today I woke up before getting properly into it. After our discussion she said.

"Let's have sex."

I had the feeling she was tempting me which made only a little sense if I thought about it. So I told her to rub my, can't remember the word. Not cock or penis but that devise. So that I wouldn't have to think of it.

Then I woke and wondered, not for the first time, if she was a lover from another life.

My mother is a child. She just had her 68th birthday and I talked to her on the phone for an hour and was conscious of telling myself to just let her talk.

She isn't dysfunctional. She can do things like a grown up. But she is acting like my little 2 year old girl friend does when she plays house. Perhaps it could be frightening but that won't get the thing analyzed.

First of all, part of us, a part many chose to deny, is always a child. I can see it in me and I like it and it doesn't mean acting like a child, acting is for adults. In the meaning of putting on a mask and playing a role.

Being a child. Experimenting with life and taking part in it.

Adults don't like experiments. They like to worry about the war lords and their games and hide in fear and pain.

Mom almost always asks really dumb questions.

Like did I think I'd be married forever.

I didn't have time to answer before she was to the next topic.

So I couldn't make it clear that everything was forever, just never the same. One time I love and want to be with one woman but forever married in or under the law or church. No. They aren't real. And in real life, we are married to everyone. The illusion is that it can be nailed to a definition. Our theater is false.

And I don't regret breaking the bonds of state marriage.

But we ain't really getting to the point of denial and addiction.

They are what most of us are about. We love to deny anything that doesn't suit our picture of the theater, such as, for my mom, sex before marriage, something I am proof of, and her addiction to repent before the God of a tyrant. And her son's addiction to be the messiah that preaches against the faith of our ancestors.

It's all pretty funny. Like a game we are playing. Forget the Like. We are playing games. Playing with language and meaning.

Playing until we wake up from our day dream and construct a new theater.

And in this new theater the angels will not bow to the lies of the war lords. The war machine, instead of our master, will be dead. Paranoia will follow it to the grave and military tyrants are taking over the large corporations.

Wait. That's today's theater.

I'm trying to control my writing addiction so I won't write anymore of this for a duration. Time will tell what.

chapter 05

I have a walk out fridge 6 or 8 months of the year. Electric fridges are brutal. 4 or 5 years ago I pulled the plug on mine.

"Fuck off. You make too much noise."

That's what I thought each time I unplugged it. Then I thought, fuck it. I've lived with out a fridge before. I don't care for dairy products and I don't miss ketchup. So fuck it. Most of the shit they sell us and what we kill for. Make a 3rd world for. We don't need. And as we do our killing, pretending it isn't really us that is doing the killing because it isn't us giving the orders, when ultimately, it is. Well. The whole thing sucks. The fuckin' fascist capitalistic privatization free enterprise rape plunder and poison machine. Fascism capitalism. And the pricks like World Bank, the over criminal bastards. Watch them scream when someone says.

Many things should not be owned.

I'll make a partial list. Knowledge, air, water, land, life, genes.

But this was supposed to be an autobiograph. Which it ain't if someone else ain't writing it. Someone else won't give a shit about me till I'm dead and they'll get it all distorted. So that's why this.

But let's try a short, 'I remember when'. And let it be. Sex. I know it ain't cool to talk about it but fuck it. She was 19. Single mother. And, no shit, among the most sexy and beautiful creatures on the planet. Like a less refined version of Latitia Casta. And still as beautiful. And even nicer tits. Tits to make a grown man cry.

Na. I'm not going to talk about her.

Everything takes forever and nothing ever happens.

And it is pointless to be in a hurry when you are traveling at light speed. I'm pissed, in a mild maniac kind of way, at the stupidity that is imposed on us with our Moses Holly Bollywood idiot laws and morals and anal retentive madness and panic desire for money. I'd be much richer, they tell me, if I'd do the things required to get money.

What's the hurry. In fact. Some days I prefer to rot. Not like end it. Just like the leaves of a tree above my roots. Losing a little luster, taking a time out from having any part of the world look at me off line and read a book. Eat some soup. Dark chocolate. Espresso. No sounds aside from the on the hour news from the radio in the apartment of the old lady above me.

Don't get me wrong. I want people to want something from me. Just not always and if at all possible, straight up. Just fuckin' say it straight.

Like why can't chicks just say. "Fuck me" so then it was clear. But no, they go fuck other people who are happy to sell and eat shit. Which ain't always true and Tim says I'd have much more sex if I talked to girls and asked them.

I used to do that. I just would talk to a beautiful young woman and ask her if she'd be willing to come on back to my place. Or her place. That's what they do. We do in the western world and since we started with beautiful large tits. Let's try the night at a club and a woman was talking to me and I had never seen her before but I could tell I felt good about her and I asked her to come home with me, even though home was a warehouse space that was illegal to live in.

And she thought I was fresh since we'd just met minutes before. So we went to her place with a clear understanding that she had a boyfriend but we could share her mat till 6:30 when I'd have to go home.

I didn't sleep too much 'cause I wanted to enjoy being beside her. And when I walked on home, to my shared warehouse space, I felt really very excellent. Like in a cowboy movie. And that was without even having sex.

So maybe I will try it again.

I could stop the chapter here but instead I'll explain my hang up with Hollywood. It's so bloody Jewish. In the Moses meaning. It's beaten into our heads that a healthy relationship is one man one woman. Or one of the same sex in some countries.

But I don't agree. Healthy can also be 6 girlfriends and maybe a boy friend as well. Or 3 and 2. Or what ever. Just this bloody ownership thing and oh what a horror if you give any love to someone else. Is there a limit on love. For fuck sake. And so partly I'm in a piddle because I don't adhere to the social norm.

I want to have sex with married women. Or women in a fuckin' relation ship. And it ain't because I'm evil or whatever. It is 'cause that is the way I am. I would rather be the second man to 2 or 3 women than the one and only which is doomed from the start.

Temptation. If it is sweet and no one gets too battered. It is beautiful.

So lock up your women. Assholes. Anal retentive Hollywood slaves.

chapter 06

In biological animal life, all creatures, there are two sexes of two sides. We call them x and y. In female creatures yy. In male xy. Which by definition is half female. Mathematically making the creatures of the planet 75% female.

Just a thought. It is obvious that most definitions of civilization have an x that out powers the other 75%. This could be marked as a mistake from a purely physical perspective.

Though one would think.

And I lost that thought. It was a little contrived anyway.

I have a picture on my computer screen of a voluptuous, nearly naked beautiful human female with sand being the most of her skin's adornments.

And she is in a position of moderate trance enlightenment, apparently alone on the beach. Heaven. And the most curious thing about this picture is that there is an evolutionary triumph being displayed. The creature had one time, not so long ago, been a sea creature. And that creature was now a beast angel. Naked and fearless under the open sun.

Beautiful. The universe made us by chance. We will create the gods. That's what matters about us. What we are is as much what we are becoming as what we were. From the energy, to matter, to the life in water, to the water based life out of the water. In the air. Building habitations to survive in away from the atmosphere of the Earth places.

Once away from the Earth there is a 100 billion years to work on the problem of making a universe as brilliant as this one already is. We don't have the capacity to know what extrapolated evolution will come to.

But I'm quite often certain I'll remember I was a creature just like this.


chapters 07 - 09