chapter 22

vs. 1: If the thief is seized while tunneling, and he is beaten to death, EQ.

No worries.

Many laws are about steeling cattle and sheep. Eat someone’s ox and they catch you, pay five. For a sheep, pay four.

If it ain’t eaten or dead then the payment is two.

If someone leaves money at a friend’s house, and the friend spends the money on cocaine and or weapons off the Egyptian black market, the friend must tell God and friend to fuck off and it’s likely okay.

Now when sexing up virgins without getting married. If you are caught the bride price must be paid.

Vs. 16: If her father refuses to give her to him, he must still weigh out silver in accordance with the bride price for virgins. EQ.

Prices vary depending on supply of virgins and demand thereof.

Any woman showing signs of insubordination to the military men’s club shall be murdered. Just call her a sorceress. No evidence necessary since there is no such thing.

Vs. 17: You shall not tolerate a sorceress. EQ.

No fucking animals. Domestic or wild.

Death to sheep fuckers.

Death to anyone not following the one true totalitarian God. Moses. The pope.

The big lie.

Anyone who annoys orphans or widows will be hacked to death with a sword. Priests excepted.

The first born of everything, including son’s shall be handed over to the fucking priests.

Vs. 30: You shall be holy people to Me: EQ.

Do always as you are told
Maybe you can grow old
Stop to question one word
Get cut dead with a sword.

Because I am Meme. Lord God Almighty. And I’ll murder you and your fuckin’ family if you are at all irreverent or insubordinate.

Because I love you.


chapter 23

Don’t kill people from your tribe especially if they didn’t do nothin’ bad.

Vs. 8: Do not take bribes, for bribes blind the clear-sighted and upset the pleas of those who are in the right. EQ.

Now ain’t that the truth.

Vs. 13: Make no mention of the names of other gods; EQ.

Because you’ll start thinking there are countless gods and might question the laws of Moses. And wake up and reach out your hand and take from the tree of life and live forever.

The first fruit yields are paid to the priests.

Vs. 14: Three times a year you shall hold a festival for Me: EQ.

The rest of the time you are free to work 6 days a week and pay your taxes. Forever. And when you come to these 3 parties.

Vs. 15: none shall appear before Me empty handed; EQ.

Vs. 19: You shall not boil a kid in its mother’s milk. EQ.

This sounds like a nice rule. Simmer with wine. Or roast over open fire.

After the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites and Canaanites have been slaughtered, don’t bow to their gods and don’t forget to destroy everything. That way none of your women will be barren or have miscarriages.

I will terrorize your enemy. I will send plagues on their land. We will kill them all eventually because they are all evil.

Every last motherfuckin’ one of them.

Vs. 29: I will not drive them out before you in a single year, lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply to your hurt. 30. I will drive them out before you little by little, until you have increased and possess the land. EQ.

Vs. 32: You shall make no covenant with them and their gods. 33. they shall not remain in your land, lest they cause you to sin against me. EQ.

Now if that isn’t a perpetual declaration of war on Palestinians, or anyone else on that piece of land, than I don’t know.

The question is: is peace possible before the holy war religions are abandoned.

Your narrator doubts it. And that is his reason for his attack on this book of hateful law and war chant.


chapter 24

vs. 3: Moses went and repeated to the people all the commands of the Lord and all the rules – and all the people answered with one voice, saying, “All the things that the Lord has commanded we will do!” EQ.

The people agreed to the terms of totalitarian rule. Rather than get hacked up by a sword wielding idiot soldier.

So Moses had another alter built, slaughtered some cattle. Filled up some basins with the blood. Sprinkled some blood on the alter and threw the rest of the blood over the people.

Vs. 8: Moses took the blood and dashed it on the people. EQ.

“You are covered in blood now, so obey my rules.”

Millions of Israelites with cattle blood dripping from them. Pretty fucking holy rituals these Israelites have.

Vs. 9: Then Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihn, and seventy elders of Israel ascended, 10. And they saw the God of Israel: EQ.

Now ain’t that an event: having a little visit with the God of Israel. And the God of Israel watched as they ate. They didn’t mention what he looked like. But obviously nothing too shocking for none of them lost their appetite for some wine and meat.

After the little supper with God, Moses fucked off up the mountain for 40 days to hang with God so that God could give him some basic rules, random references, to hammer into stone.

To make his law official. Forever.


chapters 25 - 27