chapter 49

It was also necessary to bless the sons of Jacob.

"Come here and let me tell you what you each get.

So listen up, sons of Jacob
Listen to Israel, your dad.

Reuben, I had you first
You are a strong guy, fruit of my work.
Top of the lot are you
As fickle as water, however,
I say you are a loser,
'Cause you weren't good in my bed,
Sexing up my concubine.
You are disgraceful.

Simeon and Levi are a team of boneheads
They make chaos with their weapons
I don't want to have anything
To do with them.

When they are pissed off,
They slaughter whole cities
When happy with themselves
They cut up oxen
Fuck the both of them
With their lawless anger and wrath.
I'll split them up in Jacob
Scatter them around Israel.

Judah, you'll be praised
Everyone looking up to you
The king of the beasts
Hang around with lions
Everyone will think you are cool
Wash your clothes in wine
You have dark eyes and nice white teeth.

Zebulum go live by the sea
Make some ships.

Issachar is an ass but a nice one
He ain't afraid to work and get rich.

Dan, you're a snake by the road
Biting at their heels, messing them up good.

Gad will get raided and raid back at their heels
Asher's breed will be rich.

Naphtahi is a buck
He’ll conceive many when he fucks.

Joseph is a wild ass.
God's on your side for certain
You enemies don’t stand a chance
Heaven shines on you

Benjamin is a wolf and eats his enemy.

So there were the twelve tribes of Jacob, better known as Israel. After he told them how everything was to be, he died and got buried at the place with his fathers.


chapter 50

Joseph cried on his dad's head then had him embalmed. 40 days it took. The Egyptians cried 70 days then Joseph got permission from the Pharaoh to go bury him, his dad, up in Canaan.

Hoards of officials and dignitaries and family all went along and had a seven-day weeping party. They also did some important things like naming of things before they went on back over the Jordan to Egypt.

Of course his brothers got nervous thinking Joseph might still be pissed at them. They told them Jacob said not to be. Even though he didn’t. But Joseph wasn't pissed. He was a wealthy man with a nation of slaves. What could be better.

"Had you loved me, we would have all been poor and hungry and not got to be the wealthiest family in all of Egypt, next to the Pharaoh who isn’t even in the picture."

Joseph died later, when he was old, and made his brothers promise to take him home back to the promise land when it was time.

They embalmed him and put him in a coffin in Egypt.


exodus chapters 01 - 03